Saturday, May 7, 2011

Owning my anger and liking it

It has to come to my attention I have struck a nerve with the pro-adoption community by speaking out. What do I say to that? GOOD! Around this time all my triggers start going off and probably more so this year because Im very hormonal and because I dont have a mother anymore. So Im more loud and vocal and it felt oh so good. Some people may see it as being nasty but its not its just plain truth. Adoption IS nasty it cant be sugar coated and wrapped in pretty pink and blue bows like the industry tries so hard to do. Anger can be so powerful. Anger helped me find my voice. Now that Ive found my voice the pro adoption advocates dont like it but they never were fans of truth. Let me explain something adoption brings out anger in everyone not just the moms. Read an adoptees blog they are angry they dont have rights to there indentity a basic human right. Read an adopters blog they are angry they are broken and cant create life. Me being a mom Im angry that my son was stolen from me Im angry that being young and unwed was enough of a reason to steal my flesh and blood child from my hours after birth because someone with a bigger bank account and a marriage certificate needed a child to feel complete. My anger has so many faces. How our anger is precieved is a different thing. Adoptees are told to shut up be grateful that they were "saved" their anger is wrong and they should be happy and farting rainbows. Moms are called bitter, pathetic, nasty you name it Ive heard it. Adopters are justified its accepted they are given comfort. Anyone see anything wrong with this? My anger keeps me strong. Ive met so many so many strong women along this journey that amaze me and someday I hope to be that strong. Then Ive seen those that crumble and drink the kool aid and live in never never land. I dont wanna crumble and live in never never land. Ill keep my anger Ill own my anger. Im not going to hold back anymore to make others happy. Im done being weak and scared and wanting to please everyone and not speaking up for myself. I look back and think isnt that how I got into this mess in the first place?

Friday, April 22, 2011

Hes broken and I cant fix him

Ugh the more things I read the more its aggravates me. I hate hate people talking about how adoption saves children and gives them such a good life reallyyyyyyyy???? But of course who wants to believe me cause Im just the bitter birthmother who cant come to terms with her choice *snort.* One girl in particular who is always on my birthboard bragging about how shes giving away her baby so he can have a better life and shes doing this because she loves him. Then everyone praises her and tell hers how wonderful she is and how its so wonderful thats shes giving her baby this amazing life. Yep its awesome that she wants to inflict a lifetime of pain and wondering on her son its so wonderful to make her son feel like a second class citizen for the rest of his life and hes not even born yet. I wanna shake the stupid out of her. I tried to explain this stuff and sent tons of links and basically was called every name in the book whatever. I too drank this kool aid when I was pregnant and I wish someone had been there to educate me. My son is emotionally and developmentally broken. The letters say hes so delayed and so socially inept I have to wonder why. All I ever heard was that he was going to have this amazing life that poor young stupid undeserving me couldnt provide him. No one ever told me that even IF and this is a big IF his adopters were good loving wanna be parents they cant help him. They can love him and give him every want in the world but has it helped? No apparently not. Somehow some way you feel the different abandonment why wasnt I good enough goes through your head why was the one person who was my everything give me away what did I do?  No amount of anything is going to make that feeling go away. Its the primal wound the deepest break a break of your self esteem your confidence your soul. Instead of this great life my son was supposed to have hes feeling pain and like I just gave him away and never looked back if only he knew all I did was look back. The day I allowed myself to loose him I started the break and his adopters continue the break. It goes against everything in my mommy nature to not be able to "fix" him. Will I be able to save him when I meet him or is he forever broken beyond repair?? Yes adoption certainley saved someone his adoptress from feeling like the barren bitch she is. But my son no it broke him ruined him and that folks is the adoption name of the game seek and destroy.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Labels a way to keep us down

I cant tell you how many times Ive gone to an adoption site and I have seen adopters saying Im not an "adoptive" mom Im just mom. But then in the very next breath they call the woman whos child they stole the "birthmother." Ok so its ok to use labels only when its suits the need of the adopters. So lets get down to the nitty gritty lets peel back the layers and explore the labels. Birthmother is a label used to put us mothers in our place. A label inventened by the industry to emotionally seperate us from our children and condition our mind to believe our only connection to this baby is the birthing process. By calling a woman a birthmother before she gives birth is basically saying she has no rights and her only job is to carry the child birth the child and turn it over. This is so wrong on so many levels. Never have I met a mother who did not feel a strong connection to her baby during pregnancy at birth and after. Our bond does not end at birth as the industry wants people to believe. While I was pregnant with my son I bonded with him I spent nights feeling him kick and hearing his hearbeat at dr appointments I loved him from the start. When he was born and placed in my arms briefly I felt the same thing I have felt with all my children extreme love and maternal instict. Just because he was later stolen from does not mean I stopped feeling these things. Im more then just the woman whom birthed him. Im the woman who still continues to love him and think about him and wonder if one day Ill put my arms around him again Im his mom till the day I die my love says so my bond says so and above all DNA says so. Next label adoptive mom. First off I do not believe an adopter deserves the title mother. To be a mother I mean a real true mom you have to have a DNA connection Im sorry thats my feeling but theres more so Ill go on. As many peopel will agree with me when your are pregnant you bond with your baby from hearing that first hearbeat to seeing the first ultrasound feeling the first kick these are what bond us to our babies what bonds our babies to us is hearing our voice becoming accoustomed to our heartbeat, smell everything about us baby is in tuned to. When a baby hears its mothers voice at birth it turns to her voice when laid on her chest it regonizes her sent. Mother and child have already bonded and no amount of love, money, or time can ever erase that bond. Just because you pay for or "adopt" someone does not make it "of you" babys are not blank slates. You can try to mold the child and shape the child but that child already has a blueprint of who he or she is. You may argue a mother is who takes care of the child the one who walks the floors at night and is their for the firsts. I cant agree because a nanny can also be there for that a caregiver, daycare. So what really makes a mother in my opinion the strong undeniable bond formed in utero. DNA the very blueprint of what makes us who we are. So as for the labels the can not keep me down any longer Ive bonded with my son Im his MOTHER through and through its because of me and his father that he is who he is and who he will be. Adoptive mother to me that merely means unpaid nanny. Im aware this post is very controversial but these are my personal beliefs so if you dont agree you can kindly agree to disagree but dont bother commenting because you will not be changing my beliefs.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Apprently my baby is a hot commodity

As of today Im 16 weeks 1 day pregnant with a perfect little baby girl. Although this baby is a complete shock I couldnt be happier. It took some getting used too and my husband is still not totally over the shock as I said we thought we were too old and were done with babies after Camryn. So Ive been a little pissy and hes brought up abortion a few times. I tell people and this is the response Ive gotten. Oh thats too bad well what about adoption?? WTF? Well if your husband doesnt want another baby maybe you should consider his feelings and not keep the baby. I know a wonderful family who would just love to have a little girl. Im totally shocked its just like when I was 19 nobody has bothered asking me what I want. All they see is that since my husband isnt totally on board and I already have 3 healthy children i should just sacrifice my child and give it to a wealthy infertile couple. It seems like if your not 35 married and making a million plus a year you dont deserve your child. Well people sorry to break it you but Eden (unborn baby) is not up for sale. Yes I know the agencies would basically salivate at the thought of a healthy blonde hair blue eyed baby girl. Whats the going price for a healthy caucasion baby girl these days $100,00 to $250,000. Im not a breeder and this baby is all mine and Im not loosing her just because someone with an agenda feels they are better suited I fell into that trap once not again. Now look at it this way Im 30 years old married and my husbands family is rather wealthy but because my situation is not ideal i.e unplanned pregnancy (yes even in marriage pregnancy can be unplanned) martial problems because of said pregnancy and having my hands full with 3 children Im having adoption shoved down my throat. Imagine being young and being scared they have way more amo to use against those poor girls. I already fell into the adoption trap once I know the horror. I shudder when I see girls in my birthclub write a post about being young and scared and adoption is right away brought up. I wanna shake them and tell them how it really is but they dont listen because for every single one fact truth I speak they are fifty myths spouting the lies the adoption industry spouts. So heres the point of my ramblings this evening. If they can do it to me whos in not such a bad situation can you imagine what they are doing to a young girl who feels her situation is dire. They cant get to me I know the horror I know the pain but these girls dont they are going to fall hook line and sinker.How can we protect these girls so the next generation isnt reeling from the pain most of are living in every single day because no one was there to protect us?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This has been 11 years in the making

Im a newcomer to the blogging world so bear with me. For the past 11 years I have been involved in a fight that has at times knocked me down and took away the very will to live but somehow some way I get up dust myself off and keep going. Today I got a letter that finally was the last straw for me and decided to put pen to paper (hands to keyboard whatever). I had written a letter to the adoptawitch who would like me to think her name is Julie ok Ill go with it personally I think its satan but thats just me. For 11 years this woman has repeatdly called me "birthmother" and I have asked her not to she also had not told my son about his true roots until this very year. I finally sent her a letter telling her how it is, now I tried to be polite but the anger in me poured out onto paper. I asked her if she would like to be reffered to as "adoptive" mom and if she thought that was disrespectful she should think about my feelings for the past 11 years and drop the labels. I aslo told her she needs to read up on adoption and educate herself  and not just the adopters views but the adoptees views. I gave her some book suggestions and told her to become informed. I questioned her choice in doctors the doctor who told her it would be "harmful" to my son to have contact with me and his siblings. Asked her if he has adoption expierence what his role is and how many years does he have specifically working with adoptees. I told her I have many adoptee friends and they wish they had known where they came from early on and I told her I dont think she has Nicks (I named him Ben) best intrest at heart but her own. I tried to explain the primal wound and told her even if you provide him the most loving happy home he will always be lacking something and though he may not express it or acknowledge it it will always be there under the surface ready to erupt. Then I just deicded to be rude and finished up the letter explaining that the letter was late because of my pregnancy and being so ill but it would all be worth it at the time of birth and when I get to hold my new baby girl. I know it burns her that this "white trash slut" what she has called me many times can get pregnant and give life but she cant. So anyhow today I get a letter explaining to me that Nick still has no desire to meet me and probably never will. The doctor she informed has been working with my son for 8 years she didnt elborate on what kind of doctor he is. She always said hes severly delayed and that contact from me to him could really emotionally injure him. Really WTF?? If he doesnt have any desire which I doubt its because hes following her lead. If hes delayed thats her fault too my kids are delayed they are actually with the exception of marissa whos smart in her own special way, are extremely smart and sam has been deemed gifted. So being the naughty combative "birthmother" I am needed to be put in her place and she went on to tell her shes more educated in the subject of adoption and that Nick is her son and she knows whats best for him and how would I know I dont even know him. Umm well hu I dont know him cause you made sure I wouldnt be part of his life. She also sent me a crappy little paper picture of him further putting me in my place. Well thats todays rant I will be putting up my story and the 11 year fight soon but this last interaction is what prompted this tirade today. Enjoy reading but believe I dont hold back and adoption riles me so be prepared. Thanks!